Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sorry my hands just texted you
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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