When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
