Apparently you make a good broom.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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