So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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