If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Slut skills are useful in every country.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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