I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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