Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
