Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
