please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
