If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My liver just had a heart attack.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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