Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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