You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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