Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
