barbara walters just said penis...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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