Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
