the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Soap is not a condiment
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
there is puke in my bra ... again
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
