Did I show you my penis last night?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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