if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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