I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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