Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
