im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
