if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
