Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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