My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize