he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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