The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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