Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
