Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
