did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize