i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
