I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
