Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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