i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
