I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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