He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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