So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
