Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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