i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
