Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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