I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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