thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize