she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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