dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
