I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
