apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
