my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
