I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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