I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
