my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
