i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
