You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
