i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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