On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
