You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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