I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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