I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
