I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My hand turned me down
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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