the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize