What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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