ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize